Declan Mckenna – Why Do You Feel So Down?
I am a little afraid these days. Afraid of the future, afraid of the past and afraid of today. I find it hard to admit my fears, i don’t want to look vulnerable. I want, I need to perpetuate only strength that I can take on the world and come out the other side as the best possible me. That’s not really how life works, is it? Fear shouldn’t be viewed as a weakness, surely being able to tackle fear head on without worrying about the consequences will only help us be who we need to be?
I don’t know if what’s going on in my head is anxiety, fear or worry. Are these all the same thing? Is this normal? What even is normal? I have so many questions and no one seems to have any answers for me and it’s so frustrating. Everyone seems to have all of their shit together and heading in the right direction that life is supposed to go in and then there’s me just stuck in the same spot, unable to move. It’s almost like there is this club, the life club and everyone is a member and no one will tell me the secret password to get in which is just really unfair, it’s all bringing back painful memories of PE class. I don’t even think there is such a magical thing as ‘normal’ there can’t be, one persons normal is another persons weird or different or strange. I can break down the root of my fears into three sections the first is as follows;
I feel like I have no future, that this is it and that there’s no point in even trying for something else, I am afraid of failing before I’ve even started. I’ve never really committed to one future plan, people seem to grow up knowing what they want the end product of their life to look like and they aim everything towards achieving that. I have NO idea. Well at least that’s what I tell myself and every single person that asks me the oh so wonderful question- “So, Emily what is it exactly that you want to do?” Well, in an ideal world I would be a writer. Let’s just look a little closer at that sentence- “I WOULD be a writer”. Am I not already? I am writing now. Maybe the sentence should be “I would be a successful/published writer”. Again I have some confusion over this, I once told someone that I dream of making a living as a writer and they replied
“Stop right there, if you write with the mindset of making money then you’ll never make a good one.”
That one short reply has stuck with me, all 19 words and I think it’s held me back a little from pursuing my dream. This is my fault of course for letting some random guy (that I was typing to on a popular dating App) get to me. Everyone wants a job that makes them happy, writing makes me happy. I’m holding myself back from happiness because I have a serious fear of failure and rejection, I never put myself completely out there, I always keep a part of me hidden. This is my fear for the future, to try.
My past haunts me. I wouldn’t say I have any regrets, there’s no point you cant change anything. However sometimes I wish I could go back and change a few things. I am a daydreamer and not in the flighty thinking about unicorns and mermaids kind of way but more of a crippling fear, shame spiralling worry about things I cant change but desperately wish i could. I didn’t take university seriously enough, i didn’t grasp the many opportunities that lay before me, I wasted it. When I was in school, I was the worst kind of student, not the kind that went to the shops at lunchtime when they weren’t allowed or did there homework right before class, I was the other kind. I was the Hermionie Granger of school, annoyingly doing extra homework and my hand was permanently in the air, eager to answer every question in what i am sure was an aggravating know-it-all manner. All that changed when I went to university, I was like an animal let loose eagerly and greedily wanting to try everything and uni became something that just got in the way. Assignments where always handed in late, classes missed and lecturers ignored. By third year I began to try and scramble together all the fragments of information that I had picked up from the few classes I actually went to, i somehow passed. Barely. Now I cant do anything, I cant change it, its entirely my fault I cant blame anyone else and I hate it.
Day to day life fears are a cumulation of all of the above. Everyday is filled with the fear of being reminded of the past and the open ended question of the future. Right now I just feel a little hopeless and I don’t have a clue how to fix it. It’s like I’m just floating by waiting for someone to find me and help me. Life isn’t going to come together right in front of me tied up in a pretty little bow, I need to go out and do it myself but it’s hard. I don’t where to start I guess at the beginning. Ready, set GO!
Declan Mckenna – Why Do You Feel So Down?